


you

by bbyyunki



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Mentions, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Character Death, Depression, M/M, Mentions of Blood, Mentions of Death, Self Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:12:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27080254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bbyyunki/pseuds/bbyyunki
Summary: seungkwan had hansol in his life,please emphasize the word 'had' .
Relationships: Boo Seungkwan/Chwe Hansol | Vernon
Kudos: 14





	you

**Author's Note:**

> please read the additional tags before proceeding!  
> read at own discretion ^0^

seungkwan sat sprawled out on his couch. in his hand was yet another can of beer, his face slightly flushed from the alcohol. he’d been living like this, it wasn't a fairly big deal to him. he got used to living like this. the old him would never have expected it. get wasted, go to clubs, get high, sometimes bringing random strangers back to his apartment just to have a one night stand.

the clock he was staring blankly at struck 3 am. his soulless eyes stared into blank space, spacing out. seungkwan's eyes swam to the blade placed on the coffee table. he stared at it for a few seconds and proceeded to roll up his oversized hoodie's sleeve. he glanced at the wounds, both new and old that decorated his forearm. he noticed a new scab forming on one of his slits he cut yesterday. his hand subconsciously went to pick on the scab.

he had a bad habit of picking on his scabs. he didn't want them to heal. but hansol was always there to stop seungkwan from doing it. hansol would slightly nag seungkwan and advised him to let it heal. hansol would remove seungkwan's fingertips that threaten to peel the poor scabs and place kisses on his scars. as if his kisses would heal the wounds. sometimes seungkwan would playfully swat him away from kissing the scars. but seungkwan never stopped hansol.

seungkwan eventually let the wounds heal without picking the scabs. seungkwan was making progress. as long hansol was by his side, he would risk everything for him. seungkwan went for his scheduled therapies, even taking his meds on time. it slightly surprised mingyu, who was his therapist. but when mingyu saw the man that accompanied seungkwan for his therapies, he knew that man changed seungkwan. seungkwan didn't know why he even bothered to listen to hansol.

perhaps it was when that one time seungkwan took a blade and attempted suicide, hansol barged into his room. seungkwan could never forget the pained expression that tainted hansol's beautiful face. hansol had tear streaks on his face, his head shaking. hansol took seungkwan's hand that yielded the blade and removed it from seungkwan's firm grip. hansol murmured the phrase "we can do this" like a mantra as he slowly enveloped seungkwan in an embrace. seungkwan realized that he mattered. he was important, he was treasured.

maybe it was because seungkwan didn't want to see that expression on hansol's face ever again. maybe it was because he knew hansol knew him inside out. maybe it's because seungkwan loved hansol. seungkwan didn't know which reason was why he kept listening to hansol.

hansol. seungkwan mocked himself. seungkwan glanced at the slits on his forearm, the wounds irritatingly red. seungkwan began spacing out, thinking about the stuff that happened last month.

**_**

seungkwan noticed he also began seeing things, not like he was worried. he still went for his therapies, but not as often as he used to. seungkwan referred his situation to mingyu, his therapist. mingyu dipped his head low, sighing as he massaged his temples.

"what's the matter, mingyu?" seungkwan questioned.

" i'm afraid you're developing schizophrenia, seungkwan," mingyu said, removing his spectacles.

"oh, another problem on my plate." seungkwan just chuckled, not showing any overreaction.

"you have to let go of him, boo seungkwan. it's no good for you. hansol wouldn't want to see you like this." mingyu said, his eyes showing signs of pleading.

"let go of him? how can i fucking let go of someone who never once gave up on me?" seungkwan flared, snapping at mingyu as he left the room.

seungkwan went home. he unlocked his front door, placing his bag on the countertop.

"hansol?" seungkwan called out to the cold, empty apartment.

there he was, in the corridor. hansol stood there gracefully, a small smile plastered on his face. seungkwan had the biggest grin on his face, happy tears spilling out of his eyes. his arms were wide open and eager to take hansol in with a bone-crushing hug. seungkwan threw himself to hug hansol.

he opened his eyes only to find hansol was gone. it was like hansol disappeared into thin air, his figure slowly dissolving out of seungkwan's sight as seungkwan made grabby hands to at least catch hansol's clothing.

seungkwan felt himself go limp. his knees made a dull thump as they dropped onto the marble floors. seungkwan broke down, his hands hiding his tear-soaked face. his vulnerable figure jerked every time seungkwan caught his breath. seungkwan cried painfully, using every ounce of energy he had. he heaved heavily, his chest moving in and out to gather more breath.

seungkwan's longing for hansol was heart-shattering, it was an incurable thirst. he needed hansol. he tried to live life as usual, but it just wasn't the same. seungkwan tried, he really did. the only person that held seungkwan together in one piece and still functioning was hansol. without hansol, he tumbled. he crumbled like a tall building in midst of an earthquake.

seungkwan's mental health also crippled, sliding to the bottom of the pits. it was already agonizing for him because he had depression, but losing hansol was the last straw for seungkwan. seungkwan knew hansol wouldn't like what he was seeing now.

seungkwan cried harder, remembering the good times they had. seungkwan aspired to get better because of hansol. hansol was also a survivor of depression. with that goal, he worked hard. seungkwan was skeptical at first, but it was hansol who told him to give treatment a shot.

seungkwan missed hansol. he missed his boyfriend so much. if it weren't for that accident. if it weren't for that drunk driver. they would still be together, living happily. seungkwan grimaced.

seungkwan wanted that memory completely removed from his brain, but it wouldn't budge a bit. a slideshow played in his brain. the sirens, the rowdy scene of people gathering, paramedics that shouted instructions. it was all over the place. seungkwan got there to see a lifeless body on the ground, the face covered by a piece of white cloth.

seungkwan recognized the clothing of the body. tears sprung to his eyes, his ear rang and rang. he didn't think twice before barging in. fear and sorrow clouded his mind in a flurry.

"no...no it can't be hansol, please..." seungkwan panicked as he told himself when he got to the body, kneeling beside it.

"excuse me, are you one of hansol vernon chwe's relatives?" an officer who strode over questioned seungkwan. seungkwan nodded, tears flowing freely from his eyes.

"it was a hit and run. hansol-ssi passed away on the spot. my condolences." the officer dropped his head apologetically.

seungkwan double-checked his information intake. hansol was gone. the information registered itself in his brain. seungkwan still wouldn't believe it. he gently flipped open the cloth on the body's face. it really was hansol, his striking features could never go wrong. hansol had a peaceful expression on his face when he passed on.

seungkwan wailed in agony, cradling hansol close to his chest. the people who gathered there huddled together, showing sympathy for seungkwan in hushed yet swift tones. seungkwan eventually passed out from crying too much.

seungkwan vaguely remembered what happened next. he could only remember the hospital and the strong smell of antiseptic that stung his nostrils. seokmin was holding his hand dearly as he dozed off by seungkwan's bedside.

seungkwan couldn't erase the image of hansol that day. the cuddle they shared together that morning. the pep talk hansol gave seungkwan that day, earning seungkwan's giggles. the backhug hansol gave him when seungkwan made breakfast, all lovey-dovey in the kitchen. the goodbye kiss seungkwan gave hansol when he went to work. it was like any other normal routine of theirs, but it all ended tragically. too soon, seungkwan thought.

**\--**

seungkwan felt tears wetting his cheeks. he'd been living like this since hansol passed away. he felt like a zombie. he couldn't get through a day without thinking of hansol and end up giving himself new cuts. he felt so pathetic. there was no reason in living for him anymore.

flashbacks of hansol floated into seungkwan's mind. his gummy smile, his love for beanies, his kisses that were placed on seungkwan's scars. images and images of hansol kept coming up in seungkwan's mind like an album. hansol's interest in photography, his dorky way of speaking, his creativity in music, his warm hugs, the ever so slight chiding tone he used on seungkwan. his caramel-coated eyes. his everything. seungkwan fell deep for hansol, seungkwan knew.

seungkwan eyed at the blade, the blade still on the coffee table. he glanced at his wrist, specifically that one scar that healed completely because hansol found him at the nick of time to save him. seungkwan genuinely felt like dying. he knows it's selfish, but he couldn't do this anymore.

he placed the now empty beer can on the coffee table and picked up the blade slowly. with a content smile on his face, he muttered something under his breath and slashed his artery on his wrist without hesitating. blood spilled from the slit, specks of blood splattering onto seungkwan's face that was still plastered with a smile.

he felt his eyesight go blurry. despite the blurriness, he made out a familiar figure.

hansol.

seungkwan closed his eyes. he picked up some sounds. he heard seokmin's voice yelling his name anxiously, his voice cracking as he cried. sirens were heard from afar, hurried footsteps of paramedics rung in his ear as they rushed into his apartment unit. seungkwan still had his peaceful smile on his face, the noises slowly fading away.

**\---**

seungkwan opened his eyes. he saw hansol. hansol had a huge grin on his face, his open arms beckoning seungkwan in his embrace. seungkwan happily ran over to hansol and hugged him. this time, hansol did not disappear into thin air. seungkwan could feel the warmth radiating off hansol. both of them shed tears of joy when they reunited as they hugged tightly.

they were finally together, and they will never be separated again.

\----

"i'll see you on the other side, hansol. please, wait for me." seungkwan muttered under his breath before he made the blade slash across his wrist.

**Author's Note:**

> the ending is kinda ambiguous, i'll leave the thinking to yall.
> 
> also thank you so much for reading this!!  
> if you feel the need to yell at me, please do in the comments and leave kudos heh  
> stalk me on twitter : @boostwinbuns


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